Tuesday

How far do you have to fall down the mountain before you finally dig your heels in and start working your way back up again? I'm at a point right now where I can't pinpoint the poison in my life and as a result I'm lashing out in every area. I'm so desperate not to allow myself to be a doormat that I've started shutting the door all together. I feel like the more I pile on to my busy schedule the less time I'll have to sit and think about how miserable I am.
Work is the main source of stress. I love my students - they're the ONLY reason I go to work every day. I get most of my encouragement from them. Being able to help people communicate better with their pets and knowing that my advice and recommendations are trusted and wanted is a great feeling. One that I'm not used to. But as soon as my classes are over I find myself back out in the store trying to avoid most, if not all, of the people I work with. I tried to come into this job with a positive attitude and a smile on my face but deep down I have an aggressive desire to succeed and make this more than just a job. It would be easier if I didn't have to fight at every turn to actually DO my job. I came in, like I said, with a smile on my face - eager to get to know (on a professional level) the people I work with. I was eager to be a part of the 'family' I saw that they all had there - I honestly thought that this job was God's way of giving me a foothold into the career I'm pursuing.
Instead of becoming 'family', I quickly became the most talked about and least liked. Part of me thinks that some people are intimidated by ME and part of me thinks that some are intimidated by that aggressive desire for success that I was talking about earlier. To some it's 'just a job' and the fact that I take it so seriously gets me laughed at. No, really.
After 21 years of being talked on you KNOW when people are talking about you. One of the things I'm great at is picking up on body language. I'm tired of being whispered at, stared at, laughed at, talked about. The people I work with call me names, roll their eyes as soon as I turn my back...it's NOT paranoia and response from the management has been every thing from: 'just give it time', to 'I don't hear about it so I can't do anything about it', to 'why are you so damn sensitive'. Is it REALLY too much to ask to not be made FUN OF at my place of employment? Why does that seem like a very basic concept to me?
Maybe it IS me.
The bottom line is that I'm a good person. I have the best of intentions at all times. But for some reason there's something about me that just makes people HATE me.
Take Emily, for example. Emily was like a second spouse to me. I can't put into words the bond I had with her. After we 'broke up' (haha) I grieved. Part of me grieves every time I think about her. She would get angry any time somebody would talk, stare, or laugh....and now that we're not friends...she refers to me as 'the giant'.
So back to my original question...how far do you have to fall down the mountain before you finally dig your heels in and start working your way back up again?